autumnleavesundaybreeze:

It’s 5:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep so I’m writing until I’ve gotten it all off my chest A few months ago I would’ve replied to every single one of your texts. I would’ve picked up your FaceTime on first or second ring, and I would jump at any opportunity to communicate with you. In fact you could’ve told me to jump and I would’ve said how high. I don’t know if that’s loyalty or infatuation or what. But it’s true because I liked you and I fell for you. You can ask literally anyone. My roommates, our mutual friends, fuck even my snapchat followers who didn’t know you, knew. But over and over again you showed me you weren’t going to commit and I also wasn’t entirely honest about my feelings because after the 4th or 5th time of feeling like shit, I started guarding my emotions with you. Doesn’t mean I didn’t still care, in fact the immense pain I felt not talking to you proved I really did. And then that last weekend in January happened and what I didn’t know then that I know right now, is that it was the turning point for a lot of things. I was so messed up over you and the months I felt like I had committed to you, that I honestly didn’t want to be associated with you anymore. But time healed my wounds, like it always does and now we are here. I’m in such a good place in my life, and then last week you tell me about how you fell for me and wish you would’ve risked something for me and nearly worry me half to death In the process. And I don’t even know what to say to all that. I still don’t think I have the right words except that I’m disappointed and frustrated as hell because you’re so late. Months later you’re finally honest about your feelings and I don’t have it in me to let guard down with you. I just can’t. Not after I spent so much time wondering how you felt, or even wishing you could just be upfront about your feelings. But I don’t want to lose you as a friend and I know I’m not going to because far too much has happened for us to go back now. I will say that I too also take fault for many of my actions and ambiguity over the course of the last few months, but for days I’ve been searching to find the right words to say how I feel. I know I should be sending this to you instead of writing on my blog, but a part of me has a feeling you’ll stumble upon this at some point or other. Lastly, I always thought a part of me would always wonder what could’ve been with us. But I have to let all these feelings of anger and disappointment go for the sole purpose that they are much too heavy to keep holding onto.